Why do I need to fit in?

Imagine everything you knew was just a lie. I feel most of my life has been a lie. I have hidden how I have really felt, behaved all because I wanted to fit in. I wanted to fit into my family, I wanted to fit in at school, I wanted to fit into my society, I wanted to fit in at work. However, I rarely ever stopped and thought why do I need to fit in?

From a young age I lied. I lied about how I felt, I lied about how I felt inside, I lied about being touched and hit by other students, I lied about the torment of girls at high school. I lied about about how I felt in fear of being judged, unsupported, a disappointment, a disgrace and causing pain to others.

The thing I have learnt over the past year that I wasn’t always to blame (but sometimes I am and I take full responsibility for that.) However, I didn’t always have to the skills to communicate my emotional needs and I struggled to present my feelings honestly, empathetically or compassionately. All because from a young age I wasn’t listened to by the important people in my life. So now 34, I am still sometimes struggle with how to express myself in new or challenging situations. I am a deep thinker and this isn’t easy, it may take a day or two to express my true thoughts, sit on something, then come back with what I wanted to say but the timing and moment has gone.

As we get past our superficial material wants and instant gratification we connect to a deeper part of ourselves, as well as to others, and the universe. – Judith Wright

People can either think I don’t care, I don’t understand or I am even rude but I am not. We live in a society which needs instant gratification and where impatience is at the forefront. You need to make a decision now. Let me know you thoughts… in a minute. I too have fallen into this category before. Patience is gone and I feel that I too.  I took a break from social media as I felt I needed to get out of my head and reconnect with the authentic me.

The truth is: Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you’re enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect. – Brene Brown

I am unique, I am different and I feel that sometimes I am misunderstood by others and that is ok. Not everyone will understand me however as long as I understand, believe and accept who I am, my beliefs, my values, my joys, my loves, my path, my journey and most importantly my heart. I am in good stead.

With much love,

❤ SS




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